"What is she gonna talk about now?"

Basically, I've always been the "fat friend", the "fat cousin", the "fat ____" you fill in the blank. Started gaining when I was young, around 8 or 9 years old. From then on I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I can diet and lose weight, but I can't keep it off by myself. I did this surgery to feel better. To be healthier. To give myself a chance to live longer. I want to know what it feels like to walk the mall without breathing hard and feeling like I'm gonna keel over! I want to ride bikes with my family. I'm going to be successful this time.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Back To Work This Week!

I go back on Tuesday. I guess I'm ready to go back. I mean, if I was able to I would love to be able to stay home full time and possibly do some volunteer work, but hey...isn't that everybody's dream? 

I am ready to be busy again, but I'm not ready for getting out of my comfort zone of a routine. This new life of mine post-op is going pretty well and I'm scared that work will be bad for me food wise. I work in a healthcare office and please believe me when I tell you they are the WORST environments for healthy eating. Drug reps constantly bring free lunches and it's mostly crap. Grateful patients will bring all kinds of goodies around the holidays, or just "because".  And the potlucks are filled with yummy, fattening, high calorie fare that no one can resist! This is going to be a true test. Couple that with a stressful environment and it could be disastrous.

I ordered a Bento Box (I got mine in Garden. Cute!)  like the one Michelle uses over at eggface.com because I think it's a brilliant idea for those of us who need that visual of our portion controlled meals. I have my water flavorings, my emergency protein powder and bars and a head full of ideas I can focus on instead of food when the issue comes up. I have established good habits but I'm still having some anxiety over this. Deep breath, Lori. 

On the NSV (non-scale victory) front - I tried on all my scrubs to see what fit and what doesn't. I was thrilled to find out that I can fit into scrubs I have not been able to where in almost 7 years. I look a bit dated but I just don't care....because I can fit them! And they will do until I lose enough to need to actually buy more. I did, however, need to go to the Walmarts and see if I could fit their largest size because I needed a pair of black and a pair of blue since mine in those colors are now way to big. I have never been able to fit into Wally World's scrubs. Today I fit in and bought them in 3X! I'm down from a 5X! I was ecstatic, to say the least. And the bonus is that they only cost $5.96 a pair. What?! 


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Do Not Like the Number 3

Only because I distinctly remember the first time I ever saw a 3 as the first number on the scale. Mortified does not even begin to describe what I was feeling. Add to that embarrassed, depressed, disgusted, incredulous. But the worst of all, hopeless. I saw that number and I felt utterly hopeless. I thought, "Well, it's all over now. I have gone too far, there is no hope of ever losing enough weight." And I stupidly self sabotaged my way up the scale.  Instead of getting my head together and taking control, I let that number give me license to eat even more and become even more addicted.

Well, today felt like a MAJOR victory for me on the scale. I weighed in at......299 lbs!! Yeah, I know, it's 1 pound away from the evil number and I could gain it again just from normal post op up and downs. But that's ok! I know I can lose it again because I have already done it! Most of us WLSers celebrate when we get to ONEderland, and I certainly will when that happens! But getting to TWOville feels pretty damn good for now!  

Friday, August 16, 2013

Making the Changes

I love the Farmer's Market! And it fits right in with my new life of eating healthier. I should be cleared for regular solid foods at my 6 week post op appointment, which is next Friday and I can't wait to start incorporating some tasty fresh veggies into my meals. I have already been enjoying zucchini, but I'm ready to have some crunch back. I have been eating canned as per my doctor's list of foods that are fine for this stage, but I miss the fresh. Who knew I'd be craving salad! Here is my mini haul from the Farmer's Market today. My family will benefit from this. 

Those berries smell heavenly. I think I'll use the avocado rolled up with some thinly sliced turkey.  The zucchini will be sauteed with some herbs and a touch of olive oil.  The peach is for my DH (aka Geekboy) and the sweet corn is for my boys. I will miss the fresh produce when the farmer's markets close. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

My Before

To everyone around me I was a happy fat person. I often joked about my own weight to take away the awkwardness of any given situation that came up where my weight might be an issue. This seemed easier than trying to fit myself where it wouldn't! At least I could bow out gracefully and save face instead of being faced with embarrassment. 

I was a chubby child after age 8 and continued to get bigger as I grew up. Poor eating habits, what I now know was depression, and a constant feeling of loneliness fueled my need to eat my feelings. I haven't worked out all these past issues yet, but I continue to work on them and hope someday I can get to the bottom of why I became addicted to food.

                              This picture is me right before surgery, at 331 lbs. 

                                       Here I am at my highest weight of 355 lbs.


 I hated and avoided pictures as much as possible. I hope that posting these and looking back will help to keep me accountable. I never want to go back there again! I was not a happy fat person. I was miserable inside my layers of fat and felt like I was choking off all the life I had. But it was a "comfortable" place. Right now, it doesn't make much sense but that's the only way I can describe it. It's the only thing I knew, basically, so it was a comfort in it's own effed up way. 

Then one day I finally came to the realization that I might die. No, not might. I most certainly would die before the age of 60 if I didn't do something to change. Why did it take so long to figure that out? .....................

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Post-Op Bucket List

Most post-ops have a list of things they hope to do after surgery, mostly things a large person either has a hard time doing or cannot do at all with all the weight they carry. It's not just a wish list. It's a goal list...a great motivation!  Most of these things are everyday things that thin, able-bodied people take for granted. I can't wait to start marking off the list! 

1. To walk up my stairs without pain in my knees.  DONE!

2. To walk even a short distance without being short of breath.  DONE!

3. Keep up with my husband or kids when we are out.

4. To stand for a long period without pain.

5. Be off insulin and to at least cut down on other meds.   DONE!

6. Cut down my risk of heart attack and stroke.

7. Bike with my guys.

8. Cross my legs.

9. Have the energy to do daily chores, cleaning without being in pain and exhaustion.

10. Fit in one airplane seat without an extender.

11. Ride amusement park rides with my husband.

12. Fit in a regular lawn chair.

13. Buy clothes off the rack instead of special ordering.

14. Have a smaller shoe size.

15. Not be "the fat friend".

16. Actually enjoy exercise.

17. Have a smaller ring size.

18. Spend a day hiking without feeling like I'm going to die.

19. Increase my chances of living longer.

20. Sit comfortably in and be able to get up and out of the bathtub.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Up From Under What??

Up from under the layers of fat that have been drowning me for 30 plus years, that's what. I had bariatric surgery on 7/10/13 and am finally coming up out of the darkness that has plagued me and my self esteem since I can remember. I will journal my experiences here and hopefully pass along some useful information for others who are looking into bariatric surgery as a tool to getting their health and life back.  Let's see where this is going to take me... 

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

It's Been A Month Already?!

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my RNY and I can't believe how quick the time has gone and how fast the weight is coming off. As of today I have lost 22 pounds since surgery. That's over 5 lbs a week! I think that's pretty astounding for me, because I sure haven't lost that fast in the past.
So things are still going well, only had a couple issues come up really. The fatigue is still sometimes overwhelming. When I think I've gotten some energy back I get a lot of things done, but then I wake up completely zapped the next morning. Also, I have come across the food getting "stuck" feeling twice and actually vomited for the first time. One was chicken that I think was not moist enough and the other was some baked cod. Not sure what the deal was with the fish but I'm not trying it again for a good long while! I also ordered some papaya enzymes off Amazon since I can't find them around here. I want to be prepared next time! All in all I think I've been pretty fortunate with the surgery so far.
The weight loss is really showing in my clothes.  I started out in a 30/32 and my pants/shorts are getting too loose. My guys told me I need to buy a belt! lol  I have tried on a pair of my old 28s but they are just a bit too snug I think, so I'm right in between. Hopefully in the next week or two I'll move on down a size! So exciting.
I got my haircut into a bob style in prep for the hair loss that will most likely occur. I have super thin hair already so I'm very nervous about it but there's not much else I can do except good shampoo, a good cut, biotin and protein! And also a little of this stuff. I love it.
I have been having weird dreams occasionally since surgery. Bizarre dreams usually. But last night was my first food dream. I dreamed I was getting ready to eat fast food but I kept telling myself, "You can't eat that! Don't eat that!"  That's when I woke up. That was truly weird.
Moving forward..............