To everyone around me I was a happy fat person. I often joked about my own weight to take away the awkwardness of any given situation that came up where my weight might be an issue. This seemed easier than trying to fit myself where it wouldn't! At least I could bow out gracefully and save face instead of being faced with embarrassment.
I was a chubby child after age 8 and continued to get bigger as I grew up. Poor eating habits, what I now know was depression, and a constant feeling of loneliness fueled my need to eat my feelings. I haven't worked out all these past issues yet, but I continue to work on them and hope someday I can get to the bottom of why I became addicted to food.
This picture is me right before surgery, at 331 lbs.
Here I am at my highest weight of 355 lbs.
I hated and avoided pictures as much as possible. I hope that posting these and looking back will help to keep me accountable. I never want to go back there again! I was not a happy fat person. I was miserable inside my layers of fat and felt like I was choking off all the life I had. But it was a "comfortable" place. Right now, it doesn't make much sense but that's the only way I can describe it. It's the only thing I knew, basically, so it was a comfort in it's own effed up way.
Then one day I finally came to the realization that I might die. No, not might. I most certainly would die before the age of 60 if I didn't do something to change. Why did it take so long to figure that out? .....................
"What is she gonna talk about now?"
Basically, I've always been the "fat friend", the "fat cousin", the "fat ____" you fill in the blank. Started gaining when I was young, around 8 or 9 years old. From then on I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I can diet and lose weight, but I can't keep it off by myself. I did this surgery to feel better. To be healthier. To give myself a chance to live longer. I want to know what it feels like to walk the mall without breathing hard and feeling like I'm gonna keel over! I want to ride bikes with my family. I'm going to be successful this time.